Learning how the love gets in

howthelovegetsin — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 20:29:39 +0000

It doesn’t seem fair that it is infinitely easier to be patient and loving to everyone but myself.

Upside down

howthelovegetsin — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:09:28 +0000

Half a year and slightly more has passed since the world I knew disappeared in a poof of love and exhaustion.

I have never:

* been so tired
* smiled so wide and easily
* doubted myself more (I didn’t know that was possible!)
* felt so connected and yet disconnected
* loved my husband so much
* laughed so hard

I’ve been trying to figure out my new place and self. There seem to be only ashes to rise from and I will someday when the conditions are just so. I look forward to seeing my more brilliant self emerge on this side of motherhood.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re enjoying your most brilliant self already whatever you may have come from. If not, we can encourage each other along the way. We’ve got all the time we need.

Introducing…

howthelovegetsin — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 17:41:50 +0000

David Calder joined our family on Saturday, January 9th at 12:52 pm.

At one day, he is:

* the most perfect, amazing creature I’ve ever seen
* worth every moment of worry/hospital time
* slowly opening his bright eyes to melt D and I
* making sounds like a little puppy
* soft, sleepy, and peaceful
* opening my heart so wide

The numbers (hopefully)

howthelovegetsin — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 22:43:29 +0000

7 days until the baby arrives
21 days spent so far in the hospital
19 more monitoring sessions
18 more hospital meals (unless I make D bring me food)
17 more episodes of Lost
14 nursing shift changes
12 more Heparin shots
11 more days in the hospital
6 more days until my parents arrive
4 or 5 days until the in laws arrive
2 more IV ports
2 more visits/donations to the blood bank
1 more ultrasound

So this is Christmas…

howthelovegetsin — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:09:23 +0000

I fully expected today to go down on the list of holidays that left me feeling empty. Again, I should have learned this lesson by now…

Today has been lovely. D and I spent most of the day together just snuggling in my hospital bed. Our yearly love letters exchanged and we fell more in love as rain fell outside my ivory tower. We have 19 more days until our most precious gift arrives. I have every once of faith in D’s ability to be an amazing father and partner throughout my life.

Today has sealed that with a kiss…

Wherever you are, I hope you know that your most precious gift is coming if it hasn’t already arrived. Let go of those silly expectations…much sweeter things are on their way.

9.8 straight down

howthelovegetsin — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 02:37:55 +0000

From inside my ivory tower, I watch the snow swirl upon those below. I’m gazing into the snow globe of the world I cannot touch. Here we are warm and protected, safe and waiting. Here we will remain…waiting. Each day becomes a victory, one more to mark off the calendar.

I wonder if I will forget how to function in the snow globe once I return or if I will somehow be better equipped and improve my current level of functioning. My world is shaken and swirled but will return to stillness…and yet it is currently nothing more than stillness to be shaken and swirled again upon a whim.

I’m learning so much. The universe has pounded those lessons into me that I had been too stubborn to open my heart to before now. I can readily admit that some I am still finding the right places to put some of these thoughts and there is always and ever so much more to learn.

Little things

howthelovegetsin — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 23:46:31 +0000

I didn’t get to go home Friday night but Saturday morning brought me great joy as I was released. I could have hugged the doctor. I imagine it may have had something to do with me mentioning that it was D’s birthday Sunday over and over. I’m glued to the bed or couch until I return to the hospital on Wednesday. I probably should have been put back in today since my blood pressure still isn’t behaving but it’s not dangerously high.

I feel so betrayed by my body but at the same time it’s growing this amazing little boy who doesn’t seem to have any idea what’s going on. It’s much better that way.

Wherever you are, take a moment to appreciate the sunshine on your face.

howthelovegetsin — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 01:01:18 +0000

A routine visit ends with me spending at least one night in the hospital. I’m still hanging out begging to go home tonight. I know that on Wednesday I will start my month long sentence of hospital living and I’d like to at least hang out in my own bed near my sweet husband for as long as possible. One more bump in the road…one more day…

Wherever you are, enjoy the place you find yourself in and who you’re with.

I won’t worry my life away…

howthelovegetsin — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:33:49 +0000

Oh baby…you’re going to change the world someday…you’ve already changed mine in ways I’ve never imagined and I haven’t even seen your face yet.

I’ve been trying to shield my heart since we received the news a few months ago. We learned we were having a boy and in the same time we learned that I have vasa previa, a condition which can be found in 1% of pregnancies and undiagnosed would be 99% fatal to the baby. As each week flies by, part of my heart soars knowing that I kept him safe and growing for another week but it also sinks a bit because there is danger as we get closer to the end. I am not allowed to go into labor at all because it could cause some of the baby’s blood vessels to rupture.

I am carrying a time bomb.

…but this is the pregnancy I am supposed to have. There is so much that I’m supposed to experience in this situation that I am learning and I’m thankful for each one. Would I rather this not be so? Who wouldn’t? But I am taking today to fully embrace and immerse myself in the experience I am having and love it for all it is.

I love my little kicking, hiccuping guy with a personality that seems to already be unfolding. I can wait to meet him. I have every faith that it will be worth it.

Wherever you are, you are having the life you’re supposed to. Fall into it. It will open doors and windows inside you that you never imagined possible.

How life can turn…

howthelovegetsin — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:22:33 +0000