I won’t worry my life away…

Oh baby…you’re going to change the world someday…you’ve already changed mine in ways I’ve never imagined and I haven’t even seen your face yet.

I’ve been trying to shield my heart since we received the news a few months ago.  We learned we were having a boy and in the same time we learned that I have vasa previa, a condition which can be found in 1% of pregnancies and undiagnosed would be 99% fatal to the baby.  As each week flies by, part of my heart soars knowing that I kept him safe and growing for another week but it also sinks a bit because there is danger as we get closer to the end.  I am not allowed to go into labor at all because it could cause some of the baby’s blood vessels to rupture.

I am carrying a time bomb.

…but this is the pregnancy I am supposed to have.  There is so much that I’m supposed to experience in this situation that I am learning and I’m thankful for each one.  Would I rather this not be so?  Who wouldn’t? But I am taking today to fully embrace and immerse myself in the experience I am having and love it for all it is.

I love my little kicking, hiccuping guy with a personality that seems to already be unfolding.  I can wait to meet him.  I have every faith that it will be worth it.

Wherever you are, you are having the life you’re supposed to.  Fall into it.  It will open doors and windows inside you that you never imagined possible.

How life can turn…

When I’m dreamin’ I know that it’s okay…

Each night my eyes are heavy and sleep finds me so easily but the early morning hours find my mind racing with the things to be done or the the things that cannot be undone.  There is also the matter of a certain little someone running races of his own inside of me.

A couple nights ago I kept my eyes open long enough to whisper a prayer for deep and peaceful sleep.  Dreams floated by in an extended reel of miniature scenes around the time when I would usually find my eyes wide.  Each scene brought a new vision of hope, peace, love, and readiness.  I woke with such a feeling of comfort.  In my favorite scene, I held my little boy walking him through the place we just moved into and I have the sense that in time I will experience deja vu.  It may seems such a simple thing but it’s enough to fill my heart and lighten my steps as we climb the road ahead.

Photographing the moment with words…

The storm passes
Leaving us sparkling
In the last of the evening sun
Refracting on the prisms
Of the droplets
Dancing joyfully to the ground
From the towering trees
We are dancing equally as joyful
Playful
Safely and sparkling
In each others’ hearts and arms

Lather, rinse, repeat…often…

When the connections you are making all tend to be negative, they aren’t correct.  Feelings of inadequacy and guilt will lead you to feel that certain things are connected when they really are not.

Someone told me the above today and I’m realizing that I can only do my best in this situation.  The once thought to be negative situations are lining up to be the perfect positives in an imperfect situation.  We are blessed to be in the best possible place at such a hard time.  That, combined with such an outpouring of love, gives me hope.

Pregnancy itself has softened me and made me more vulnerable and this situation just makes me more so.  It is by this that the love gets in and it really really is.

Wherever you are, I hope your negative moments show you their positive side when the time is right.

Going with the flow

Sometimes we break plans…and sometimes our plans break us.

Either way time flows on and we have to choose to drift or drown.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re floating along.  It seems much easier that way.

Standing on the edge of me

Dreams float by vividly bringing to light every face I’ve ever seen, names long forgotten or perhaps never known, and paths not taken.  I stand at the crossroads…reconciling the past, living in the present tense (though calm better describes it), and all too curious what the future holds for me.

Sales of school supplies and extra long twin sheets turn my already fragile brain inside out…choices made to make others happy though it doesn’t seem to have worked…the desire to shine so brightly but feeling so tarnished and unable.

Should the stumbles and falls that brought me to this moment, however, be regretted?  In this state of quiet stillness, I feel like I finally belong.  Would all the other paths have led me here?

It’s such tumbling around clanking loudly in my brain.  What matters more is what form of superhero will I take in the future?  I can only step on the path I’m on now, making decisions, and hope that it leads to peace.  I suppose it’s all my choosing and it always has been so…

Wherever you are, I hope you’re living your life for you.  No one else’s heart knows where you need to be more than your own.

It's the little things that mean so much…

Wherever you are, I hope you smile at everyone you see…it will do you both a world of good.

The big news!

We’re thrilled to be expecting our first baby in February!  It’s been good so far and I feel so happy and blessed.  I can’t wait to meet him/her but I will be patient.

Photo Friday – Eyes

one of my favorites from our honeymoon in 2006